See that man

This is for the wives.
Someone once said perception is reality. No truer words were ever spoken.
So I ask you, what do you see when you look at your man? Do you see someone who is capable, strong, and intelligent? Do see someone whose potential is limitless?
Or do you see someone else? Someone who has limited capacity. Someone who’s made mistakes before, maybe many mistakes. A person who will never ‘get it right’? Do you see that person?


Well, I’m here to tell you that no matter what you see, if it is not positive and hopeful, you are wrong. That’s right. And as long as you continue in this wrongful pattern of thinking the more you’re wrong. You see the bible tells us to not look at what is there. But to look at what can be there! Do you see someone weak? Or do you see someone who is having some challenges at the moment but absolutely has it in him to be strong, to turn things around and never look back? See that man ladies. Not because I tell you it’s there, but because Almighty God tells you it’s there!

Let’s look at a few scenarios.

1-Decision Maker- Do you see a man who has poor judgment? Someone whose instincts are always wrong (in your opinion) and therefore doesn’t make the best decisions in the family. Do you feel that you are better with these things and have to do more than you want in this area? If you didn’t take the bull by the horns it would be a mess. When you look at him, do you see ‘bad decision maker or poor judgment’?

See someone else.
Ladies, this may be very hard to let go of. But I say, allow him to lead the house. The bible says:

“Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord” (Eph 5:22)

Let him lead your family as a whole. Yes, he may make mistakes but if he has your support and trust, I’ll bet he’ll start to make better ones. He’ll know the onus is on him & take it more seriously. But if he feels that you are always questioning his judgment; that if he makes even one decision that didn’t work out, you’ll be there to tell him, this will automatically weaken his judgment for the future. When this happens, many men will start to take a back seat to their wife’s opinion. They feel that if you are going to criticize and question their judgment and decisions, why bother? Let you do it, just to keep peace. Of course, this only makes things worse. It becomes a continuous cycle with you wishing he’d make better decisions but by your demeanor will end up putting more on your own plate. Everyone makes mistakes, so let him make them and learn and gain wisdom from them. Don’t sit there and say “I said xyz would/ not happen”. Even if you say it nicely, men can be extremely fragile at these times. Deep down he knows he should be leading the house. If he makes a poor choice he already feels badly enough.

See someone else.

See someone who is strong, and capable; someone who does have good judgment. See someone who is doing the best they can for you and your family. Let him make the decisions and let him know that you’re in it together and will support him and that you trust that he will get it right. Friends, he’ll rise to the occasion; he’ll rise to the position God has appointed him for. And you will rise to the position God appointed you for too.
Please note that by no means am I suggesting that you be mousy or quiet. We wives have excellent input into all family matters from what school to send their kids to, to what mutual funds to choose. God has given all us of talents and gifts. So our input is crucial! What I’m saying is not to berate him. The truth is he is a person too. You cannot say with 100% certainty that your way will always be right. No one can. I’m saying stop acting like you are smarter than him. You may have some more experience in a particular area than him but that, in no way, gives you permission to put his thoughts and ideas down. Anyway more experience still doesn’t mean that you’re decision is always the right one. Sometimes more experience can cloud our thoughts and judgment due to preconceived notions.

Ladies, if you do this you’ll be shocked at two things. First is how your man will improve in his decision making. Secondly, how much he’ll end up coming to you for your input. You both will learn from each other and appreciate each other more and more. And who doesn’t want more of that in their marriage!

Set that man!


2-Addiction
Do you see a man who has addictions and periodically falls back? Do you see someone weak; someone who doesn’t love you or your family enough to ‘get it right’?

See someone else.
See a person who God has given some tough challenges to. Addictions can be tremendously hard to break. But know that he can overcome. The fact is that many people with addictions have fallen innumerable times but were eventually able to break their addiction for good. So it is possible. Believe that just because he may not have done it today doesn’t mean he’ll never do it. See someone trying the best they can, whose heart is sincere, and who needs your love and support and compassion. Not someone who will kick him when he is already down. Your husband is someone that you can encourage like no other person on the planet can. That’s the effect husbands and wives have on each other. See him as a child of God. No less than you. See hope, not addiction when you look at him from now on even when it’s hard. Believe and make him know, at his core, that you know he can do it.

I must mention that I don’t mean you have to live with someone whom you feel may be a danger to you or your family. If this is the situation, do what’s best for you and your family. That may mean removing your and family from harms way. It may even mean moving out. But you can still do everything else mentioned here. In other words you can still see your man differently.
The bible says:

“Brothers, even if a person is caught in some transgression, you who are spiritual should correct that one in a gentle spirit, looking to yourself, so that you also may not be tempted.” (Gal 6:1)

See that man!


3-Lack of success
Do you see a man who is a ‘failure’? Maybe he’s tried a few ideas, ventures or careers and they haven’t worked. Do you see ‘failure’ or even ‘loser’ when you look at him? Be honest with yourself. Maybe you don’t necessarily call it that in your head but essentially that’s what you have stamped in you mind.

See someone else.
See someone who had the courage to put his money where his mouth is and take a risk. Be proud that he tried. Most people don’t even get half as far as to even try something. Instead, see someone to be admired. Sure, maybe those things didn’t go perfectly, but at least he is not idle and doing nothing. He probably tried his best. Moreover, he probably learned from those experiences important things that he can apply in the future. If you read biographies, you’ll learn that many of the world’s most successful people had many failed business ventures before finding success. Some of them went bankrupt several times! But those so-called ‘failures’ ended up helping them to be a phenomenal success. See someone who needs encouragement. And tell him so! See him as one of those future phenomenal successes!
The bible says:

“To each individual the manifestation of the spirit is given for some benefit.”
(1 Cor 12:7)

Believe that in your heart of hearts and speak it to him. Wives,

See that man!


4-Provider
Do you see a man who is not a good provider? Someone who falls short of bringing in enough money. Someone who is a disappointment to you; a poor example to your children?

See someone else.
This is imperative if you want to be a Godly wife. Ladies, nothing can cut a man’s current and future potential quicker that a wife that sees him as a disappointment. It is such a dark cloud over him that you can almost visibly see it.

On the other hand, a man who feels that he has a woman that loves him no matter what, that supports him and that believes in him 1000% is a man that can change the world, move mountains, even make the world a better place. There is something about his wife that has a direct correlation to his level of ability and confidence and ultimately results.
Most men will only go as far as their woman sees them going.

See someone else.
What does that mean? You must start by seeing him differently. And you must start now because it will not happen over night. See a man who may not be raking in tons of money today but this is just a point in time. Look at the country we live int. This is America and there are opportunities everywhere! See a man who totally has the capacity to grow and make more out of his career. See a man who needs extra encouragement and support. Believe that he can be an excellent provider. Maybe he needs to go to trade school or college. He may have to put in more hours at work to get a promotion or perhaps change careers. Whatever it is for your family, the point is to see him as a partner to work together so you both can advance him for your family’s benefit. This will also help your children, to see how you worked together to get things better for you all!
The bible says:

“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” (Cor 13:7,8)

See that man!



5-UnGodly
Do you see an ungodly man? A man who is stubborn and won’t ever go to church. A man who is wrong or bad because he has not yet come to the Lord? When you look at him do you see ‘bad’, or ‘not saved’ or some variation of that?

See someone else.
This is one of the most important roles for a wife. This can also be a very dangerous way of perceiving your man. This is because by seeing him this way, it means you are passing judging on him. And if you love God as you say you do and read your bible, you have no excuse to not know that judgment is the Lord’s and the Lord’s alone. You are in no position. I repeat you are in no position.

But instead, God has put you in an excellent position to help. How? By not only seeing someone else, but by being someone else yourself. By being an example. I don’t mean an example of a saint. I mean that many a man has taken his first steps to the Lord by seeing his wife’s example/conduct. Seeing her as a happy, joy filled, compassionate, forgiving, loving, and supportive spouse. This is especially true if your husband isn’t the easiest person to get along with. Friends, if you show this side of you, it’s just a matter of time before he takes notice of your attitude and then gets intrigued enough to ask about it or even join you in going to church.

I must warn you; this may take time, maybe even years. But isn’t his soul worth it? And even if it never happened, there is no way your husband won’t be affected by your commitment to Christ. So see a man who can change in spite of even himself. Never give up hope in him. Pray for him big time. Be kind, compassionate. You never know what is going on in a person’s heart. He may be closer than you think. Gently ask him periodically if he would like to come to church with you or watch a Christian show with you or read something. Back down if he pushes back. Try again when you feel he is in an open minded mood. See a man who can come to the Lord and be saved!
The bible says: “The one who eats must not despise the one who abstains, and the one who abstains must not pass judgment on the one who eats; for God has welcomed him. Who are you to pass judgment on someone else’s servant? Before his own master he stands or falls.” (Rom 14:3,4)

See that man!


5-Lack of effort
Do you see a man that is lazy? Maybe someone who gives you no help whatsoever. Do you see a man that talks a good game, maybe to friends, family, you, even himself, but never ‘gets off his duff’ and actually does anything?

See someone else.
On this issue, I am 100% convinced that this stems from a lack of confidence. It’s not laziness. By nature men are doers, action oriented. If your man is talking and not doing, ask yourself if underlying that is a big lack of confidence which underneath is all, is just plain fear.
This can be a tremendous detriment to a man. Think of it. He knows deep down that even though he may talk about doing this or that, he is not doing. Not walking his talk. And that lack of action just makes him feel even worse, less confident and it becomes a vicious cycle. This cycle must come to an end.

I once heard an extremely successful and well-known man say that it is more important to have confidence than competence. That may sound odd but I believe it’s true. He explained that if a person has confidence but not competence they can always get competent at something. You can always learn something if you want to. But a person, who is competent but lacks confidence, will never succeed because they won’t even try. So realize, first off, that if you are seeing them as lazy, they’re probably seeing themselves as a failure. So as disappointed as you may feel about them, they’re even more disappointed in themselves. So as wives, what do you do with this?

You see someone else.

You see a man who can do anything! Think about the most successful person you know in the area or areas you feel your husband is lacking in. Now begin to believe that your husband can do that too. He can be just as successful as your friend Bob financially or just as abundant as your neighbor Sam health wise. Just by you looking at him differently, without you even saying a word, will be noticed by him. But moreover this is a man that needs a lot of encouragement. He needs you to speak to him, daily maybe, about what he can do, how you see him and your future together. Not in a fake way but if you truly believe it and are speaking and acting in belief, he will begin to get infected with confidence! Support him and tell him how proud you are of him no matter how small an action he takes, especially if he does, or even just tries something new. Moreover, tell him you’re proud to be his wife.
I cannot stress enough that this has to be genuine from you. Do you know that about 70% of all communication is non-verbal? So if you’re saying one thing but your face, your posture, your body are all saying something else, that is what will come through. So start today. This won’t happen overnight but work on it everyday.
Truth is, you will be proud of him! And he already has some qualities that you admire and respect otherwise you wouldn’t have married him. Always focus what he is doing or done, not the opposite. Your future will be bright together. You will go places that you never thought possible.
The bible says:

“Everything should be done for building up.” (1 Cor 14:26)

See that man-victorious!


Please understand something very important. Most men express negative emotions like sadness, frustration, remorse, anxiety, confusion, fear, doubt, hurt disappointment one way, as anger. I’m not talking about verbal or physical abuse. I’m saying they just plain get angry. They yell, they bang things around, they over-react. That’s what most men, not all, do. But ladies, don’t react to that. Ask yourself what is behind the anger. Sometimes it’s frustration or impatience, sometimes anxiety or even sadness believe it or not. You can also try asking him what he is feeling but don’t be upset if you don’t get a true answer. In fact, you probably won’t because they either don’t feel comfortable (yet) to tell you or don’t even know themselves because they usually don’t travel past the anger themselves so they honestly don’t know. But you know this man enough that you can probably figure it out yourself. Don’t take the same old unsuccessful past as before. Change can happen. Your relationship can get better. Remember and remind yourself often that God put you together for a good reason. So if you’re not sure what it is, ask the Lord to show you. And then look for it. Also, when you’re in this situation (and even when not) remember you chose this man. You believed he was good enough to marry. He may not be so wonderful right now but get in touch with those reasons way back of yours and apply them in your approach to a situation and your relationship in general. One of the most disrespectful, disobedient, small-minded and just plain ignorant things a spouse can do is to take pot shots at their spouse in public. To belittle them in front of family, friends is to make yourself look bad, not them.


Just remember:
“Set your mind and keep it set on the higher things.” (Col 3:2)



God Bless You
To Him Be the Glory!